I have an issue.
I’ve noticed a pattern in myself – namely that I am lazy and impatient when it comes to almost anything. I try to get the most for the least amount of work. Now that I’m writing this, this reminds me about Atlas Shrugged, which I’m currently reading, but that is another matter.
The point is, I think I need to fix this. I’ve always had a problem of not living in the moment. Despite years of improv training and performing, I still have trouble recognizing the present for what it is. This brings me to the sort of person I am today – reasonably well connected in many many different circles, having tons of superficial acquaintances, having a large skill set, etc. I feel spread too thin. I don’t know if life is supposed to have some central focus or not, but everything is really blurry. I spent thirtyish minutes today reading job descriptions and figuring out what I’m doing this summer, which is one of the most dehumanizing and disheartening tasks ever, yet somehow I enjoy it a little bit.
This blurriness leads to me being lazy. I developed a certain level of passive aggressiveness – listen, listen, listen, consider, and then make a small contribution that tilts things slightly in your way. What is wrong, man? I think I’m afraid of confrontation for some reason, some deep-seated reason I don’t feel like going into. Fuck.
This all leads to the title of this entry – “Looking for other Hills”. My lazyness and passive-agressiveness and lack of presence in the moment leads to me, if I am not absolutely pleased with a situation, to look for a better situation. This applies to almost everything for me: relationships, friends, disciplines (haha), fads, habits, hobbies, jobs. This stems from my belief that in a world as large as ours, the possibilities are so diverse that any reasonably-motivated person can, instead of taking the time to fix/work on something, easily look out and find anything better as their choice. When I get tired/bored of something or someone, I just stop paying attention to them instead of actually confronting them. As I write this, I realize more and more how much of a douche I am.
This is changing now (making a phone call). I’m grabbing life by the horns.
Promising more positive entries in the future,