I’m been looking for a good time to write for a while, and now it is.
Lately, as I’ve achieved the goal of making my life more dynamic, I’m doing more interpersonally. Fuck the foreplay…I saw two people today I’ve hurt, recently. I don’t understand – I’m not Catholic but I have the wierdest guilt complex. One of my earliest coherent memories is of offending a kid in a wheelchair during a skit. His name was Kyle. I still feels pangs whenever I bring that up to myself.
I am and will always be a perfectionist. Not the good type – I’m afraid to do things that I will fuck up. So what is wrong with me? Everybody has personality disorders, but what is a disorder?
Guilt is the worst feeling ever. Which is, of course why I have it so often. It seems like I get caught up in dwelling about the past and am paralyzed. The fact that I’m writing this is very telling, isn’t it?
Also, I’m a narcissist. Let’s be honest. I crave attention, which is why I am constantly on stage. When I can’t get attention from others, I masturbate for it. Which is why I’m writing this.
I overthink things. This also comes from the onstage thing. I constantly think of drama, trying to be cute or what I would look like from an audience perspective. I feel like I’m going through life in third person, never actually in the moment, with the exception of when I get dumbed down with alcohol, pot, or some other overwhelming sense, like tiredness or my horrible libido.
Also, once I have something, I don’t respect it. I know a friend of mine, who would hang with me and a few people years ago, but then sort of advanced onto other things, then barely acknowledges us. Maybe its a Darwinist thing. But I feel like that, building shitty bridges. Am I afraid of committing? I’m so afraid of missing a moment or whatever. FEAR, thats my problem. My consumption of information and experience and everything else is so voracious that I can’t taste shit. I’m all numb. I wake up and am tired constantly. I want to be like Jesus and go off into the forest and learn without a reason. I want to have children to have someone to give to, yet not be in the position to give them less than what they deserve. I want to be perfect and useful to everyone that I meet and at the same time be myself and start that revolution that I’ve been talking about.
That’s a long list.
For anyone out there, I want to say I’m sorry but maybe I should stop. I’m being indecisive. I won’t say sorry for anything specific except that – I’m sorry for being me.